Conquering Fear
by peterpaaaan
Summary: How does Erin Lindsay conquer fear when her job throws her in different directions that keep fear by her side?
1. Chapter 1

I could feel my heart race as I approached the man that Voight said was the guy that did the bombings. _Act naturally, Erin. You got this. This is the type of stuff you live for. _I took a deep breath, walking next to Olinsky. We parted ways when we gotten closer to the man. He stood to his left while I approached him from his right.

"Hey. You leaving already?" I asked, politely to the man. He looked away from the nurse, suspicion growing on his face.

"Yeah, I just got released a few minutes ago." He said, slowly.

"Oh, well. I'd need a word-"

"I was just leaving." He interrupted. "I have to go, I just got released." He persisted.

"I know, sir. It's going to take a few minutes, I promise. It's protocol." I told him nicely.

In the matter of seconds, everything changed on me. The situation unfolded and I was a hostage to this man. He held the knife below my chin. I felt the cold metal hitting my neck. _Remain calm, Erin. Don't let fear overcome your body._ I said to myself. I took a deep breath, watching how my colleagues were going to fix this situation.

All guns out, pointing to him. I could feel the fear rising in the pit of my stomach as the cold metal was pressing harder into my neck.

"Let her go." Voight demanded.

The man put on a devious smirk. "You want her. Well too bad." The knife pressed harder, I bit my lip waiting for the impact, but it never came. A metal hit the back of the man's body and his grip on me slowly released. Reactions kicked in. I elbowed him in the gut to push him away and then swung my gun to his face. The man collapsed to the ground, every body huddling over him to make sure he wasn't going anywhere.

Voight grabbed my arm, pushing me away from the man. He turned around and looked me in the eyes. "You alright?"

"Just do your job." I smirked. He patted my shoulder, grabbing the man in the process.

I rubbed the side of my neck, making sure there wasn't any blood. I looked at the palm of my hand, no damage. I looked at the firefighters that were standing in the middle of the hallway. I walked towards them. A small smile appeared on my face.

"Hey," they both looked at me. "I wanted to say, thank you. If it wasn't for you, I think I'd be in a lot more damage." I admitted.

A boyish smile appeared on the young firefighter. He nodded in appreciation. "I'm just doing my job. No need to thank me."

I nodded and started to back away. "Thought I'd like to remind you that I am thankful."

I turned around to walk towards the office, but something didn't feel right. My breaths started becoming rapid. My heart was beating faster than usual. I looked around the hallway and found a bathroom. I ran inside of there. Fear was slowly creeping inside of me. I put both hands on each side of the sink. _Slow breaths, Erin. Calm down. Push the fear back to it's box. Don't let it overcome your body._ I closed my eyes, trying to picture times when I felt my happiest.

A picture of Jay popped into my head. His light blue eyes with his boyish grin. His muscular body and his 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. Everything about him made me start to slowly calm down, but it seemed harder for me to get back to my regular state. I was thinking too much and it wasn't helping with the cause.

It was strange. At first, everything was fine. Next thing, I knew my fear was overcoming my body and that scared me. I can't be scared especially not at this job. I kept trying to slow down my breathing, but it wasn't working. Everything I did was making it worse. I felt my hands start to shake and chest start to give me discomfort.

The door slowly opened and a head peeked in.

"Hey, Erin. I just wanted to check- Erin, are you okay?" Jay asked.

I was going to answer him, but fear held me back from talking. I shook my head, rapidly, but that caused my panic attack to become worse. I felt my breathing shorten even more, almost as if I couldn't breathe anymore. I doubled over, holding my chest.

"Erin!" Jay quickly ran to my side. He grabbed my face into his hands. "Look at me, Erin. Look at me." He forced my head to look at him, my eyes trying to find their way to his. "Relax. I'm here." He calmly said.

Jay stared at me the whole time, his eyes never leaving mine. His hands still holding my face and in the moment, things started to shift. I felt my heart slowly decrease in speed, my chest slowly relaxing, and the shaking diminished. I felt my body loosen from his grip, but Jay never left his hands off my face. He kept them steady. We held each other's gaze a minute longer until he released his hold.

"Thank you." I whispered. My voice being a bit hoarse from the panic attack.

Jay nodded, a small smile appearing on his face. "Anything for you, Erin. I have your back, remember?" Jay slowly helped me up. He looked at me and hugged me tightly. "If you ever need anything I'm here for you." He whispered into my ear.

A small smile appeared on my face as our bodies interlocked perfectly. Maybe, I wasn't going to have a perfect ending anytime soon, but at this very moment, I had hope. Hope in the people that are fighting for their lives in the hospital, hope that Chicago will move past this, hope that we'll get the man who put lives in danger, and hope that one day, I will conquer fear.


	2. Chapter 2

The constant reminder of the panic attack kept creeping up on her. The feeling of almost dying made her nervous. What if Voight found out? He would definitely give her some time off, but that's not what I want. I want to be able to work with some peace without fear interfering my life. I leaned on my car, watching as the man become handcuffed to a police car.

Chicago can breathe now. There enemy was walking a thin line of hatred and wasn't going to get out of jail for a long time. As I was thinking to myself, I felt a presence appear next to me. My head slowly turned and there he was. The man that saved my life.

"It's good to see that guy in handcuffs, right?" Jay smirked. He kept watching the man. "He isn't going to walk this Earth anytime soon." He confirmed. I nodded, not really in the talking mood.

Jay and I fell into a comfortable silence, just watching the small celebration that our fellow detectives were having. "You don't have to worry about anything, Erin. I won't tell Voight, I promise." Jay whispered. A small smile appeared on my face.

"Want to get a drink?" I asked slowly. Jay smiled brightly and nodded.

"That sounds perfect."

The drive to Molly's was a comfortable silence. Even though, Jay and I weren't so close in the beginning, things started to brighten up for us. I started becoming used to him being here for me and it made me feel safe. Safe from the terrible visions that were entering my mind. I parked the car next to Molly's, shutting off the engine, and closing my door. Jay followed in pursuit. He looked at me, a sincere smile hiking at the corners of his mouth. We walked towards the door, him holding it open for me.

"Detective Lindsay and Detective Halstead, I heard you found our criminal. Cheers to them, everyone!" Herrman yelled.

I smiled as everyone cheered for us. I walked toward the bar, sitting onto the stool. "First rounds on me. What would you guys like?" Herrman asked.

"I would like a Jack and Coke." I said to Herrman. He nodded, looking at Halstead.

"Whiskey." He nodded.

I watched Herrman take other people's orders before making ours. The bar was quite packed, people getting a drink before going home. Probably to calm the nerves of the recent incident that happened. At the corner of my eye, I saw Jay's hand inch slowly towards mine. Each little movement his hand made, made my heart skip a beat. Finally, his pinky was lightly rubbing on to mine. A light blush crept onto my cheeks.

"Here are your drinks." Herrman said. Jay's hand quickly moved away, grabbing the drink from him.

I nodded at him, thanking him silently.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jay asked. I looked at him, as he sipped on his whiskey. As he sipped on his drink, I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down from every gulp he made.

"I don't know what came over me, Jay." I admitted. "One minute, I'm fine and then I'm having a full on panic attack. It was like I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, and the feeling I got at the pit of my stomach didn't feel inviting either. I was in full panic attack mode and I don't even know why." I looked down from my drink, feeling a bit embarrassed about what he had to encounter earlier this day.

He placed his hand on my wrist. His touch forced me to look up at him. "Don't ever feel the need to be embarrassed about these certain things, Erin. We're human. Things like this happen to the strongest people."

"Yeah, but I've seen so much shit before. This shouldn't have shaken me up." I bit my lower lip, trying hard not let the tears escape.

"Hey, Erin. Sometimes we put a facade to show the world that we're strong people, but the strongest people need a break and realize that the things we do isn't easy. Our job isn't easy. We see things everyday that a normal person should not be able to see. You're going to be alright, Erin. I promise you that. You're my partner and I'll help you overcome this." He said, sweetly.

My heart skipped a beat. He doesn't understand how much he meant to me. He was sitting here, giving me this pep talk, but he doesn't even understand that his words meant the world to me. Even if we were sitting here, not talking I would still appreciate his company. I guess, finally my emotions were slowly coming through. A thing I learned to do when I was younger: hide my emotions and put a front that way people know you're tough.

Another hour at the bar, Jay and I were ready to call it quits. It was getting late and we knew we had more work to do in the morning. I drove Jay back to his apartment, giving him a quick good night and then driving back home.

On my way back to my apartment, my mind started to explore. After the incident, things started to shift in perspective. The people that I care about needed to know that I loved them, because we forget to remind the ones we love that they mean the world to us. I bit my lower lip, as I parked my car at my reserved parking spot in my apartment complex.

Life is too short for us to live our lives as if nothing was wrong.

As I was getting ready for bed, a soft knock echoed through my apartment. Confusion covered my face as I walked closer to the door. I peeked through the peephole, my heart grew bigger for the man that was standing outside my door.

I opened it, a smile appearing on my face. "Hi." I said, softly.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hi." I said softly.

A smile appeared on the man's face. He had crinkles forming around the corner's of his eyes. "I thought you needed some company." He said, innocently.

I opened the door wider, letting the man come inside. I watched as his muscles rippled on the back of his Chicago Fire Department shirt. My breath hitched. Lust was filling the inside of my eyes. I could taste the impurity coming from my mouth. I closed the door, leaning on it. I watched as he turned around, mischievous eyes seeping through the pupils.

"So, why did you really come, Severide?" I asked curiously. Silence filled the room as I waited for his answer.

"I guess, I wanted to tell you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not returning your calls or being there for you when you needed it. I'm sorry for being a douche bag. I'm sorry I'm not good at this." He twirled his fingers around as he kept talking. It was the first sign I learned in the academy. He's nervous.

I bit my lower lip, trying not to give in to temptations. I knew better not to go back on this path. I knew Severide would be a good man, but something was off. Instead of love filling my heart, it was lust. The lust where I just wanted to rip off his clothes and paint the town red, but I knew better. I knew not to go back to my old ways. I knew I wanted more than just an one night stand. I wanted a man that kept me safe. Safe from the monsters that were creeping in.

My heart sank from the idea of what I was about to do. "I'm sorry, Kelly." I looked at him with eyes of sadness. His last hope was me, but I couldn't be that girl he wanted me to be. I couldn't save him from his womanizer ways, because someone else was trying to save me. "I think I want to be alone right now." I softly said.

Severide searched my face for any further answers. Being under his gaze got me uncomfortable, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "It's Jay, isn't it?" He asked. There was no animosity in his voice, just pure curiosity. The hesitation coming from my side wasn't really helping my case. "It's okay, Erin. I'm not upset or anything, I kind of saw it coming. Just promise me something, okay?"

I looked at him, waiting from him to press on.

"Don't push him away." I kinked my eyebrows, hoping he could elaborate. He laughed lightly at my confusion. "You're a tough girl, but you have a tendency to only let a few people in. I know, you trust Jay, but giving him your heart is different than letting him have your back. Go with your gut and give it your all. Don't let fear interfere with something good." Kelly walked towards me, kissing the top of my head. "You be careful, Erin Lindsay. I'm rooting for a happy ending."

I smiled, moving away from the door. He walked passed me, opening the door to leave. I leaned on the door, watching him leave my apartment. "Take care of yourself, too, Kelly. Alright? You're a great guy, you deserve happiness." I smiled at him. He turned around giving me a wave and then finally leaving my vision.

I closed the door to the last chapter of my bad side. The side where I always gave in to people that filled my fantasies. The people I knew were total players, but deep down had a big heart, I always gave in to them, but this time, I didn't want that. I wanted a guy that was good all around. I walked towards my bedroom door; the door that was opening a new chapter of my life.

It was a new investigation about high-end rollers being shot, but that wasn't what made this investigation different. It was the undercover partner we had to deal with. Pulpo, the son of a bitch that kidnapped Antonio's son. There was high tension filling the room when he entered in his yellow prison suit. All hands on deck for him to leave, but we had a job to do. Emotions, aside. It was time to work.

* * *

Voight looked at Jay and I. "You two go look for more information about Pulpo. I want everything that police officers couldn't find. We need leverage." Voight demanded.

We nodded and headed to the front of the station. "I know a guy that can hack into any computer database, he's house arrest."

"Okay, let's go." We headed out of the police station towards my car. I beeped it and slide right into the car. Jay followed in pursuit, punching in his address in my GPS. I drove off, following the directions the GPS told me. "Isn't it crazy we're working with Pulpo?" I asked trying to make small talk.

"Do you trust him?" Jay asked.

"Not one bit." I admitted.

Jay nodded, "Yeah, me either."

Silence, again, but this time I didn't need to fill in the space with small talk. The comfort of driving and Jay being by my side felt good. I didn't need to put up a front for him to show I was tough. He knew I was tough, he knew I could handle this and that's what made my appreciation grow for him. He saw me at my worst, but still acted as if I was tough.

"So, Severide stopped by last night." I said.

_Why did you just say that, Erin? What were you thinking telling him this? Why would he care and what made you say it in the first place? _

_"_Oh." Jay stated. _Oh? Oh? What does that even mean?_

"I figured I'd let him down easy and not give in to his womanizer ways. I set him loose, Jay."

I looked at the corner of my eyes, his lips hitching in a smirk. "Well, then. I guess it's my turn to pursuit." He said, half-jokingly.

I rolled my eyes, laughing. "We'll see if your ways can win me over."

"Is that a challenge I hear, Erin Lindsay? I hope you know I always win at challenges."

"Please, I know for a fact you weren't the best at sports." I said, matter-of-factly.

He leaned in close to my ear, whispering. His hot breath sending chills down my spine. "Sure, I'm bad at sports, but I never give up." I parked the car in front of the house. I turned my head, our faces inches away. He looked at me with eyes filled with determination and a hint of something else. "I won't give up on you, Erin Lindsay." He said, breathily. The double meaning on his words filled my insides with nerves. His eyes slowly moved to my lips, his face pulling in closer and closer.

That's when I knew, I knew I was about to kiss Jay Halstead, my partner. Fear started rising in my body. The fear of Voight finding out, the fear of messing up, the fear of not doing my job, I pushed my head away from his by opening the door swiftly.

"Okay, uhm, let's go inside." I said, quickly, getting out of the car.

I looked down at my hands. They were shaking tremendously. I felt footsteps from behind and I did what I had to do. I slid them into my pockets and walked up towards the house with a new face. A face of determination to finish this investigation.


	4. Chapter 4

"Erin," Voight called over. I looked at him, he nodded his head towards his office. I followed him into his office, looking at him. "Someone came to visit you while you were gone."

"Who?" I asked curiously.

"Remember your old friend, Charlie."

Hearing that name coursed fear through my veins. Everything inside me took a different direction and I felt like I couldn't breath anymore. The man that took my life away and changed everything good to bad was here in Chicago. I prayed so many nights that this day would never come. I rubbed my hands on back of my pants, trying to calm myself down, but nothing was working. I needed to get out of this room. I could feel the fear rise from veins into my chest. My breathing heightened. I could feel Voight's protective eyes watching me. I backed out of the office, going towards the main area.

"Erin, where-" Before, he could finish I was already out of his office. I couldn't stay in there. My panic attack was coming back, but it was more intense, because the man I was running away from came back to haunt my dreams. I sped walk out of the precinct, but I could hear Voight shouting my name, but I didn't care. I needed out.

I walked down the street, trying to find if something could calm my nerves, but nothing was helping. The more I walked, I felt closer to the fear that was coming. Then, I felt a hand grab my arm. I was in full panic attack. I did what anybody would do when they're getting manhandled, I screamed.

"Woah! Erin, calm down. Hey! Hey!" Jay yelled over my scream. He pushed me into his arms, trying to shut me up. "It's just me."

When I realized it was him, I stopped screaming, but tears started streaming down my face. He softly stroked my hair, trying to calm me down. "It's okay, Erin. You can cry. I'll be here, don't you forget that." He kept saying. I cried harder, because I knew it was true. I knew that no matter where I went in life or whatever bad thing happened, Jay would be the constant person in there.

Jay and I were standing in the middle of the sidewalk, me being a mess and him being the best person ever. He pulled me away, looking me in the eyes. "Talk to me, Erin." Seriousness filled his eyes. I gulped down the lump that was forming in my throat.

"He's back." I stated. Jay's faced contorted into confusion.

"He? He who?" Jay asked. The sound of the question made me giggle a bit. "What? What's so funny?" He smirked.

I shook my head. "Charlie is back." I sighed. "He ruined my life, Jay. He put fear into me. I ran so fast from him, but every time I ran he was right there. It scared me. The things that he's done to me, the things that I had to do for him, Jay you would have despised me." I backed away from his hold and crossed my arms around myself like I was protecting myself from everything. "Voight saved me, but now he's back." I squeezed myself in an embrace, trying to press the memories back into the box.

"He's not going to be anywhere near you, Erin." Jay said, determination on his face.

"Jay, don't. You need to stay out of it. I can't get you involved, things don't turn out the way it's planned when it comes to him. Let's do our job and forget about it, okay? I needed to tell someone, because it was eating me alive, but seriously, stay out of it, okay?" I pressed on.

I couldn't let Jay get involved. The last person that got involved with Charlie and I's relationship was Voight and that was barely an out. We were both holding on thin string, especially me.

_It was a rainy night. The atmosphere seemed heavy from the plan that was forming in my mind. I wanted out. I needed to get out. There's more to me than the life of a drug dealer and a girl who was in a domestic relationship. My head was spinning from the fear that was rising in the pit of my stomach. Charlie was doing a deal, two streets down. He said it will only take ten minutes._

_Ten minutes. It took me five seconds to pack my life in a backpack. I grabbed my bag, swinging it over my shoulder. I ran to the back door, hoping no one would see me sneak out. But, that's when things went wrong._

_"__Where do you think you're going?" Charlie asked, as he was coming up the stairs of the back patio. He looked at me and then his eyes moved to my backpack. "Are you leaving me?" He asked, anger lacing every word. I gulped, I knew what was coming._

_He came closer to me, I slowly walked back into the house. I needed out. I needed to get out, I can't be here anymore. _

_"__I'm leaving." I said, softly._

_"__Leaving? Who do you think you are? You're not going anywhere." He came charging at me. He lunged himself at me as I ran away. He pulled my hair, causing me to fall down to the ground. "You little bitch. You can't leave me. You're mine." Charlie screamed. He kicked the sides, causing immediate pain coursing through my body. I felt myself become limp as he kept punching and kicking me. _

_My vision was about to give up on me when the door swung open. Guns out pointing at Charlie. He slowly backed away from my bleeding body. Voight was the first to approach me. My eyes drooping at his sight, but his voice rang inside of me. "Don't leave me, Erin. We came this far together, I'm pulling you out. Hang in there, sweetie." Voight's nurturing voice was what pulled me through. I hung onto the thin rope that was keeping me at bay. _

_Voight got up, looking at Charlie in the eye. "You walk around Chicago ever again, I will kill you. There's no second chance in this one." _

"I told you, I wasn't going to give up on you." Jay said. His words brought me back to reality.

I looked at Jay, not realizing that I was gripping onto myself a little too tight. I loosened my grip and gave him a half smile. "Whatever."

I couldn't fight with Jay on this one. I was a good debater and I knew I could have easily won, but the passion that was seeping through Jay's voice made me step back for a bit. I needed him to take this one. It felt right and that's what made it better.

"But, don't you ever think I can't do something on my own, okay? Because, I know for a fact I can shoot way better than you." I smirked.

Jay put his hands up in a surrender motion. "I could never think that. You're the toughest person I know."

"Damn right."

Maybe, letting someone take part of the luggage I was holding onto wasn't a bad idea after all. I felt lighter and happier after accepting Jay's request of being there. Maybe, having Charlie come back wasn't bad after all, because in the end, I knew I won at life.


	5. Chapter 5

_The sun was out, the clouds were perfect shaped, the sky was bright blue, and the birds were chirping; all signs of a perfect day. But, it wasn't. I felt the constant hit of every slur words coming from his mouth. I felt every derogative word thrown at me, I tried to dodge them, but they kept finding it's target. The words were worse than the hits. _

_I couldn't take it anymore. I felt trapped in a house with a monster. _

_"__Erin, grab me another beer, will you babe?"_

_The word, 'babe,' felt sick in my stomach. How could he call me an endearing word, but not take care of me? I grabbed the last beer from the fridge. I turned around, his presence already near me. Confusion arose from my face._

_"__Why are you taking so long?" He asked. _

_"__Sorry, I was thinking about how we need more beer." I told him, smoothly. I handed him the beer, he grabbed it with so much forcing causing the beer to shatter on the tiled floor. My eyes widen at sight of the shattered beer. My heart sank. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. _

_"__YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE, YOU BITCH." He screamed. I backed up toward the fridge, shaking my head._

_"__No, I wouldn't. No. No. No." I told him, repeatedly. His eyes turned a shade of black, and I knew I was going to be dead. _

_He grabbed my hair, slamming my face towards the tiled floor, only inches away from glass. I was waiting for the blow. The one that always hits the ribs. I shut my eyes. _

_The constant knocking made him pause. The constant knocking became louder and louder._

I jolted up from my sleep, I looked at the entrance of my bedroom door. Someone was here. I looked over at the clock, it was three AM. I opened the drawer of my night stand, revealing my gun. I put it behind my back, tucked into the band of my shorts. I walked slowly towards my door. The knocking echoed throughout the apartment. I tiptoed towards the door, slowly rising to peek through the peephole.

My heart sank at the image standing on the other side of the door. I opened it and there he was. There he was covered head to toe with blood. He was battered from fists or pipelines or something hard. His eyes barely opening. There he was standing in front of my door broken into a million pieces.

"Jay?" My heart clenched to the sight of his broken face. His body was slowly giving, I held him up, dragging him to my couch. "Jay?" I said, again. A slight moan escaped from his bloody mouth, as I lay him on my couch.

I ran to the bathroom, getting my first aid kit. I grabbed a small towel and ice as well. I walked back to him. His broken body laid limp on my couch. I walked in front of him. "Jay? Look at him." I said softly.

His bright blue eyes squinted at the sight of me. "I'm sorry." He struggled to say. I shook my head.

"You don't have to be." I lightly pressed the moist towel on his face, trying to wash off the dry blood forming.

"I didn't know where to go." He admitted.

A small smile appeared on my face. "I'm glad you came to me." I admitted. We sat in silence as I bandaged him up. The dry blood disappearing from his face made him look a bit better. He still looked like hell with a black eye and fews cuts, but he was better.

"So are you going to tell me what happened?" I asked, situating myself next to him.

"It's nothing I can't handle." He said softly. I looked at his hand that was laying on his lap, limp. I grabbed it, intertwining out fingers.

"Well, I hope he looks worse than you." I smirked. I felt a light squeeze from Jay's hand.

"He sure did."

A comfortable silence formed between us. I look at the time almost 4 AM. I heard Jay yawn, I looked at him. "Why don't you get some rest? I'll see you in the morning." I said, softly. I was about to let go of his hand when he interlocked it tighter.

"Will you stay with me?" He asked, innocently.

I thought for a moment. What would Voight say when he finds out about this? Would I lose my job? Obviously, not, but Jay might. I can't let that happen. We needed to keep it professional. We had to, right? But, I watched his eyes soften as I hesitated. He slowly let go of my hand, my invitation to leave. He knew he was asking too much, but I felt as if he wasn't asking enough.

"Yes." I said softly. His eyes widen a bit and smile appeared on his bruised face. He moved over trying to make room on the couch. I laughed a bit and shook my head. "We can move to my bed, if you don't mind."

He nodded. I got up from the couch, grabbing Jay's hand. He wobbled a bit, wincing with every walk. I slowly guided him into the room, placing him gently onto my bed.

"Is it okay if I take off some of my clothes…I don't really sleep with much on." He admitted.

My breath hitched and my heart rate sped up. This was definitely something Voight didn't want to hear or see. If Voight ever found out about this, I'm pretty sure Jay's face would look 10x worse. I nodded. I slipped my gun back into the drawer. As I turned around, Jay was standing there in his boxers. I looked away, hoping Jay did not see me just check his body out.

I slowly snuck into the covers of my white sheets. The other side of me sank a little. I felt Jay toss and turn to find a comfortable place in my bed. I turned my face towards him. He looked up from under his eyelashes, his lazy eyes making me adore him even more. "Hello" he said, in a tired voice.

Seeing him next to me was something I never thought of. I dreamt it, but never thought it would actually happen. He lifted his arm out, inviting me to cuddle with him. I took the invitation and slid next to him. My curves fit perfectly with his body. I felt the closeness and the spark start to ignite. Then, sleep took over.

* * *

I woke up to the alarm that was ringing on the side of my bed. I hit it off and felt the light breath on my shoulder, the warmth of the body next to me, and the arm tightening me closer. He pressed light kisses on my exposed shoulder blade. "Good morning," he mumbled.

I smiled, turning my face toward him. "Good morning. You look like hell." I blurted. His laugh rang the empty room, filling it with joy.

"Well, your breath stinks." He scrunched up his face. I smacked his arm in a playful manner, he laughed. He brought me closer to his body, causing my heart to race. I lightly traced every cut on his face with the tips of my fingers.

"Are you ever going to tell me?" I asked.

"Don't worry too much about it, Erin." He said. We looked at each other and his eyes moved down my lips. I could feel the pull starting to happen and this time I wasn't going to fight it. I didn't care anymore. Fuck what Voight thinks. I'm doing whatever makes me happy.

Our heads leaned in, I could almost taste his kiss. Then, my phone rings, causing us to jump away from each other. I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling myself away from Jay's hold.

I looked at the caller. Antonio Dawson.

"Hello? What's up, Antonio?" I asked.

"Is it dumb for me to ask if Jay's over?" He blurted. I felt myself tense.

"Good morning to you, too." I said, sarcastically.

"Erin, I'm not calling to make small talk. Is he there or not?" He demanded.

"Is." I stated. I heard Antonio make a relief sigh as if something happened. "Why?" I asked slowly.

"He got into a lot of shit last night. Bring him to the precinct. We have a whole new investigation coming through our desk. We need all hands on deck." Then he hung up.

I looked at Jay, suspicion seeping through my pores. "What happened last night Jay?" I firmly asked.

"I told you-"

"No, you didn't. You told me that it's something you can handle, but it's obviously something you can't if Antonio is calling me about it. Now, Jay, I'm going to ask you one more time, what the fuck happened last night? You better tell me rather than me finding out from the investigation files." I demanded.

I was fed up with his bullshit. Two seconds ago, I was perfectly fine with the boy next to me. Now, I was pissed off. I needed answers from him, not some investigation case. I needed to know my partner and my best friend could trust me with the information he's hiding.

"You might as well tell me now since I'm going to find out from Antonio." I pressed on.

Jay got up from his position and nodded. "Okay, okay. I guess after you told me how frighten you were, I wanted to prove to you, I was going to make things right. I saw Charlie following you after Molly's, but he never went up to your room, because I exchanged some words with him. Things got ugly and I don't know where he is anymore." Jay admitted.

My face stared blankly at him. I had no words for what Jay did. I don't even know whether to be happy that he tried to protect me or angry that he went behind my back. I had no emotion for him right now. I was numb.

"Erin… say something." He said softly.

"Let's go to work." I got up from my bed and headed for the bathroom, shutting him out.


	6. Chapter 6

The tension filled the room as Jay and I entered together. Voight was standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed his chest. His face had no emotion written on it, which scared me even more. Everyone was surrounding him, waiting for us to arrive. Things got even worse when we were standing there, waiting for someone to speak.

Ruzek was the first to break the silence. "That's a pretty bad shiner you got there, Halstead." Ruzek joked. A few cracked smiles appeared on everyone's face except Voight.

"Enough, Ruzek." Voight pointed to the picture of the white board. It was Charlie's face. "That's our guy. His name is Charlie." He looked at Jay. "I understand you're trying to be the hero, Halstead, but sometimes being the hero gets yourself killed. Next time, don't interfere." Voight demanded.

Halstead nodded. We all knew he got off with a warning, but next time, I don't think Halsteads going to be so lucky.

"Erin, has he been seeing you?" Voight asked.

I shifted in place, trying to avoid Voight's glaring eyes. I knew he'd be upset with what I was going to say, but information is key in situations like this.

"Yes." I admitted.

Voight huffed out air. I watched him, try to relax himself and not reprimand me in front of the whole unit. "When? More like why?"

"I got a call two weeks ago pertaining to Annie and Travis. I didn't think much of it, but when I went to go see them, he was there. He was trying to collect money from him, because last time I bailed, I didn't pay my debt. Now, he says he's going to get what he deserves." I gulped.

Charlie rolled differently than most. He was the kind of guy that liked his circle. The best gets in, but don't get out. I was lucky to get out, because of Voight. Annie was lucky to get out, because I had the training to protect her. Now, that I'm older and I'm wiser, I feel Charlie is better and scarier.

"Deserves?" Jay asked.

The eerie silence covered the room. No one wanted to say it, but everyone was thinking it. I felt my body spark up from the fear that was crawling it's way up. I felt the shaking of my hands, I shoved them into my pockets quickly, hiding it from Voight's point of view.

"Me." I whispered. "He always believed that him and I were meant to be together, because of how well we worked as a team. He wanted us to be like Bonnie and Clyde, but it never turned that way. I never loved him and I never wanted to stay."

_Lies, Erin. You did, at least once, loved that man that hurt you. He was the reason you thought you had the best life. He showed you adventure, thrill, excitement, etc. He was the one that got you to be strong. So, don't play it off like you didn't love him, but once in your life, you did._

Voight nodded, "Well, listen up, Charlie has made to clear that he's harassing one of our own. That can't be tolerated with me or with you guys." He said. "Charlie isn't some low life drug dealer. He's high end. He has been for awhile."

Sumner pointed to the picture. "I know him."

I turned my face toward her, confused. "You do?" I asked.

She nodded, looking through her files on her table. She grabbed a manila folder. "Okay, just last week, a woman called describing the same guy on the board, she even told me his name which was Charlie, but that's not the strange part. She called specifying how at 9:00 am something bad is going to happen. I thought this was a hoax, but she even said it was bomb-related."

"Charlie was into bombs for awhile." I added.

"She said, that one officer will not make it alive." Sumner slowly said.

I grabbed the files from her hand, reading it. "What does she mean by this? How does she even know this?" I asked.

"Why don't you and Halstead check that out, see what's really going on there." I nodded, I grabbed the keys from my desk and headed out of the precinct.

"Woah, woah. Slow down, Erin." Jay said, as he was running towards me. "I get it, adrenaline is rushing through your veins right now, but you need to calm down."

"Calm down. I am calm." I yelled. I pinched the bridge of my nose and let the air slowly release from my body. "I'm sorry. You're right." I got into the car, and started it up. Jay slid in and looked at the files.

I drove off from the directions that my GPS was leading me to.

"I don't know if I'm hoping this is going to be a hoax or not." Jay nervously laughed.

I nodded. I knew what he meant. He wanted it to be a hoax, because bomb threats weren't something I could deal with at this moment, but we wanted something to nail Charlie with. We needed him off the streets.

"Are you mad still?" Jay asked, after a long silence was filling the car.

"Not now, Jay. It's not a good time," I admitted. "I'm not ready to talk about it."

He nodded, dropping the conversation altogether. I pulled up onto a small, yellow house. It was very cute even if it was badly placed in this neighborhood. Jay and I walked up the stairs, I looked around the streets to try and see if anything suspicious was near us. Nothing.

Jay pounded on the door. We waited, then the door slowly unlocked. A small, frail woman stood behind the door. Her face was half shown. Jay put on his best smile. I smirked.

"Good evening, Ma'am. I'm Detective Halstead and this is my partner, Detective Lindsay. We heard about your call and wanted to do some follow up questions. Is that alright with you?"

Her small, wrinkly head nodded. "May we come in?" He asked. She opened her door wider, letting us through the door. Jay entered, holding the butt of his gun. I followed in pursuit. She lead us into a small living room, she motioned us to sit. We both sat on the big couch, watching the frail old woman.

"So what's your name, Ma'am?" I asked.

"Hellen." She said.

"Hellen, we were just wondering why you made that call." Jay asked, as he leaned forward on his knees.

"I heard it." She nodded. "I was outside, watering my plants when I saw him. He was talking on his phone about how he's having this elaborate plan that deals with a certain cop and how she deserves whatever she gets."

I pointed to the house the window was facing to. "Is that the house?" I asked her. She nodded, slowly moving to the side to get out of the line of view. "Is someone there?" I asked her. She nodded. The old woman flapped her arms in a motion to duck.

BANG BANG BANG. The shots went.

"Is everyone okay?" Jay yelled. He turned on his walkie, "10-78 We need back up. Shots have been fired." Jay yelled through his walkie. "Hellen, are you alright?" She nodded. She stood at the corner, trying to hide herself. "Eri-"

I was laying on floor with a pool of blood gushing out of my arm. I winced, trying to hold pressure on it. "Dammit." Jay said, under his breath. He ripped a piece of cloth from Hellen's table runner. He gently wrapped it around my arm, trying to stop the bleeding. He pressed the walkie again. "We got an injured officer. Bring ambulance."

"Jay, I'm fine. Did you check Hellen?" He nodded. I winced at the sudden pain piercing through my body. Jay got up from his spot, he peeked his head for a split moment, but immediately put it down once gun shots were being fired again.

We sat in silence, waiting for something and then gun shots were being fired from the other house. Antonio and Sumner came into the living room. Sumner took the old lady, leading her out of the house and into safety. Antonio looked over the couch out of the window, all was clear. He looked at the wound on my shoulder.

"You'll live." Antonio smiled. He helped me up, slinging his arm around my shoulder. "Let's hope you get desk duty now." Antonio joked.

As I walked out the house, Voight was grabbing a guy by the collar of his shirt. He was yelling profanity to the shooter. I tried to get a better look of him, but I was pushed into the medics.

"Didn't expect you to be the officer." Gabriella Dawson smirked.

Gabriella Dawson is Antonio's younger sister who was working as a paramedic for House 51 in Chicago. She was working alongside with Leslie Shay.

"I didn't expect to be shot." I joked. Shay and Dawson examined the wound, trying to figure out my diagnosis as they were throwing medical terms.

"You don't have an exit wound, so we have to remove it now or else it will get infected fast." Dawson explained. I nodded, giving them permission.

I winced at the pain that went through my whole body as Dawson was working on my arm. Voight walked towards me, concerning written all over his face. "Are you alright?"

"Still alive." I smiled. He smiled back, patting my leg. He walked towards Jay. I watched as the two were in deep conversation about the case we were working on.

Shay nudged me. I looked at her, a smirk forming around the corners of her mouth. "So that's the boy, huh? The one that Severide lost to." Shay joked.

I rolled my eyes. "He didn't lose to him. I don't think it will work out for him," I looked at Jay. "He's a person that I care about way too much for me to get my feelings involved. The last person that I got involved with … I almost died." I admitted.

"Don't let the fear from the last relationship stop you from moving on." Shay admitted. She patted my leg as Dawson finished working on my arm.

I got up from the ambo, thanking both girls. I walked towards Jay, thinking about what Shay was telling me. _You know she's right, Erin. You need to stop letting Charlie control your life._ Jay turned his head, eyes shining bright.

"I'm so glad you're alright." He admitted.

I nodded. I needed Charlie out of my life. I needed to move on. I needed to find my happiness and by doing that I was going to have to get rid of the fear. I walked towards Voight.

"Let's get this bastard, I'm tired of running. I want to move on." I told him.

Voight looked at me and smirked. "You call the shots now."

This investigation was now handed to me which means everything is played by my rules.

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**Hi, everyone! Thank you for the amount of love I'm getting from this story. I'm so thankful. Please don't forget to review, it will help me come up with great ideas for this story. Thank you again!**


	7. Chapter 7

"Charlie is a smart man. He will do damage when he wants to and he can hide as fast as he can." I admitted. "But, there is one way I can help persuade him into trusting me."

"What is it?" Ruzek asked.

"I have to go undercover and let him into my life. I have to act like I need him or want him. It's the only way to figure out what his plans are."

Voight shook his head. "I'm not letting you go back to Charlie. There is no way he's going to let you stay alive, Erin. That I know for a fact."

"Does anyone have another plan? Because, sure as hell, I don't. I'm not letting him threaten me or Annie again. I want this guy locked up in jail." I fought.

"Why don't I do it?" Jay asked.

Voight shook his head again. "You ruined it by beating him up."

"Yeah, but I can weasel myself into a situation and ask for access to his bombs. I'll tell him I'm into bomb making or something. He doesn't know I'm a cop, all he knows is I'm Erin's friend. I can go undercover for you." Jay said.

Everyone looked around, the plan trying to sink in, but a horrible feeling sat at the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to be responsible if Jay got hurt. It would eat me alive if he got hurt, but at the same time, I knew this was the only way. The only way to get Charlie to confess and get him behind bars. I felt a hand squeeze my wrist, I looked up to see Jay's icy blue eyes staring back at me.

"This is the only plan, Erin. You know it, too." I nodded. "Don't worry, I can take care of myself."

I nodded again. He released his hold. "Okay, everyone you heard him. Jay's going to go undercover. The thing about Charlie is, he does pat downs, so you can't necessarily wear a wire, but I know CI that can wear a wire for you. I'll let him get a hold of you that way he can take you there himself."

Voight nodded. "Okay, you heard Erin, let's get Jay prepared for this. I want Ruzek and Olinsky to find the map of the building where this is going to be held. Erin get the details from the CI and give it to Ruzek. Jin, I want you to get hidden wires that are appropriate for this case. Antonio and I will talk around the neighborhood and find out more about Charlie Everyone hear me, I want all of you to be sharp. This could end badly if he doesn't trust Jay."

Everyone nodded, dispersing to their appropriate task force. I headed for my desk, calling me CI to ask him for the favor. It took my awhile to persuade him into helping me, but I got the address of the house. I gave it to Ruzek, who nodded to went outside with Olinsky.

I felt my heart pounding inside the diaphragm. I walked over to the break room, trying to calm myself down. I felt the anxiety and fear rising in my chest as the horrible feeling started becoming more prominent. _Keep it together, Erin. I get it you're scared, but this is your job. Jay can do it and you know it. Do anything that will let you calm your nerves. _

"Erin?" I turned around and Jay was standing by the doorframe. He looked at me and then my shaking hands. He walked over, taking them into his. "I know, you're scared. You don't have to be. I signed up for this, remember?" Jay gave me a smile.

I couldn't talk. I was too scared. The fear of losing him was eating me alive. I needed him to know that I couldn't do this, but the determination on his face bit my tongue. He was psyched up for this job. He wanted to do it. I took a deep breath, trying to relax myself.

"Jay?" I whispered.

He looked down at me and smiled. "Yeah?"

I did whatever it took to calm myself down.

I kissed him.

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**I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I'm also sorry that it's a short chapter. I promise the next one will be better. Don't forget to leave reviews. Thank you !**


	8. Chapter 8

I watched Jay drive off into the secret location that Charlie was staying at. I was told to stay behind, because he knew I was a cop and he would have suspected things if I found there. Plus, I don't think Voight wanted me there to see Jay head into his potential death.

I rubbed my face with my hands, trying to relieve myself with the stress that was building up inside of me. The fact that I knew that Jay volunteered to this didn't settle with me. I get it, it's not technically my fault, but it Jay did get hurt it was on me. I put everyone in danger by bringing this asshole back into my life or at least he tried to get back.

"Stop worrying, you're making me nervous." Antonio said from across the room. I looked up at him, but he wasn't looking back.

"You're not even looking at me."

"I don't have too, it's all around the room. There's so much anxiety that I'm feeling nervous for the boy. Stop it. He knows what he's doing. He signed up for this, remember?" Antonio said, trying to calm me.

I shrugged. "Yeah, doesn't change anything. We all signed for this, but it never gets easy does it?"

I looked at Antonio, the man who had so much experience. More experience than a lot of us and I looked up to him for advice or guidance. That man has seen more things than anyone should have. Antonio walked over to my desk and sat at the edge of it, looking at me.

"If it got easier, than we shouldn't be in this job anymore. Stuff like this happens, but this kind of action is what we live for. It's what we dreamed about doing."

He was right. We all dreamed of this moment, even I did. The moment where we're allowed to be someone we're not to get the information we need to stop the enemies roaming our streets. I tugged on the loose strings of my shirt, a nervous tick that recently appeared with me.

"You care about him, don't you?"

"I don't appreciate you profiling me right now, Antonio. Don't people ever tell you it's not nice to profile your friends." I joked, but hoped he wouldn't press on.

"Please, I never followed those rules. I'm right, aren't I?" He smirked.

I rolled my eyes, waiting for him to say anything, but he didn't. He was waiting for a confirmation. "Of course, I mean, we all do. He's my partner. He's your co-worker." I said. Antonio shook his head. I knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He wanted a little more.

"Erin, you're good at putting a front, but when it comes to your feelings, it's all over your sleeve."

"Fine, I like Jay. Will you stop pestering me now?" I smugly said. Antonio chuckled at my annoyance and patted my shoulder.

"Take a leap of faith." He said, before getting up.

Right when Antonio sat on his desk, Sumners ran into the main floor. "We got ears of Halstead."

My heart sped up when the walkie-talkie came to life with Jay's voice. He was calm and collective. If I didn't know Jay, I would have thought he was a pro at bombs, because he knew more things about it than we should know.

"So, what do you say? We in on this deal, or what? I could get you $100,000 in cash by tonight if we give me the bomb parts I need."

Silence. I held onto my chair. _Take deep breaths, Erin. Don't forget to breathe. You have this under control. He's alright, Voight and the rest of the crew are there as well. Nothing to worry about. _I heard Antonio murmur to himself at the silence grew deafening.

"Okay, but first things first…" A little tension was at ease, but I knew Charlie wasn't going to give in easily. I knew something was going to happen.

Then, it came.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

Static. "We lost him." Sumners reported once the walkie-talkie went dead.

I dropped to the floor, feeling every part of my body give out. No it can't be true, Jay needs to be here. Please, tell me it wasn't Charlie who pulled the trigger, but Jay instead. My heart went into complete marathon. I was in full fledge panic mode. My breaths quickened. My palms became sweaty. Nothing was coherent. I was losing control of the fear that was taking over me.

Jay was my source of level ness. He was the one that could bring me back to reality and I couldn't do it without me. In order for me to conquer this, I needed him. I admit it, I needed Jay in my life for me to conquer everything. He was the one.

I felt myself being picked up, but I couldn't react. Antonio was yelling at me, but I couldn't hear. Sumners was trying to comfort me, but it wasn't working. Next thing, I'm at the back of the ambulance.

I shut down completely.

Without him, I'm no longer Erin Lindsay.


End file.
